What if and why

What if… I got on the train to the airport?

Why are the tube seats covered in little Christmas trees?

What if…I bought a ticket on the first flight leaving? 

Why can’t I feel something Else?

What if…I wandered, willfully lost?

Why does the tar submerge me?

What if that lady across from me, with the thick glasses and Terry Pratchet book, ran away from somewhere? And now, she’s on the tube. 

Why do most of us look as though we’re not internally shattering into emotional shards of desperation and self loathing? (Oh–because most people aren’t?) 

What if…I ran…and ran…and ran…

Why can’t I simply be happy?

What if …’the happy’ doesn’t come back?

Why do I feel this way inside, when everything is so perfect around me?

What if…it’s really that I’m incapable of being ‘normal’?

Why do I let down the person who loves me?

What if…she goes somewhere else because I’ve failed to be the person we both thought I was? 

Why do I feel like I’m watching the washing machine of life from the outside? 

What if…I don’t wake up? Why do I feel like it’s hard to breathe?

Why?

What if? 

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