That’s what we gently, jokingly, called it. But that woo-woo has had a rather profound effect on me, and several days later, I’m feeling deeply contemplative.
The first week of October was the annual writing retreat at Bambu resort, in Spain. It was a fantastic week of writing, discussing projects and meeting new people. Unlike the previous two years, I stopped to really enjoy both the retreat and Spain in general. Part of this is the serious lack of ‘other’ work I’ve done in years past that kept me stupidly buried.
Over the last few years, I’ve had to take stock of who I am, what I’m capable of, and where I want to go. It’s been a scary, sometimes overwhelming, journey.
And now, there’s a new aspect to the journey. Thanks to the woo-woo.
It began with a massage. My shoulder was bothering me, and since one of the participants was getting a massage, I decided to go ahead and splurge with one, too. Little did I know…
We weren’t very far into it before my lovely, bohemian, flowy masseuse said, “You need to let go. You’re so worried about saying things that would hurt people’s feelings, you hold onto those emotions and words. They lodge in your throat, get trapped at the base of your skull, and then you develop physical problems. And by not telling them what they need to hear, you’re keeping them from learning, from progressing on their own journeys. You need to share, let go, and let them take their path.”
And then there was stuff about letting my mom do the same; not trying so hard to take care of her or worrying about her path. (sorry, mom)
That was the first massage. It felt so amazing, I went for another. And then, Nic surprised me with a third the day before we headed back to the UK. That third one, the lovely masseuse pressed harder, focused more, and explained how all this stuff I’m keeping in is poisoning me; lodging in my throat, in my shoulders, in my liver and kidneys. So much emotion, so much fear and worry. By trying so hard to take care of others and avoid confrontation, my body is pulling itself apart internally.
So, I’m doing a lot of pondering. I feel like it’s a call to the next path of understanding, but I admit, I’m not entirely sure how to proceed. I think the one place I’ll be starting is here, on a long neglected blog. I developed a fear of expressing myself, of letting out my words via writing (the most natural way for me) because I didn’t want repercussions or confrontation. Suddenly, I’m not willing to stifle that part of myself anymore.
If holding everything inside is slowly destroying me, I’d damn well better learn how to … let go.