Recharge 

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My partner said to me recently that if people don’t know me, they have no idea that I’m quaking inside as I chat, discuss, teach, or sell. That it’s taking little chunks of energy with every interaction and by the end of the event I’m completely drained. I wear a mask cultivated from childhood. Show no fear. Don’t let the bullies see you cry. Be strong; people like confidence. Wear lots of deodorant to hide the stress sweat.

Sigh. The life of an introvert, right? I know so many other writers who feel similarly. Is it part of the creative personality, do you think?

This has been a whirlwind month, full of lots of interaction, and one big event where we were the sole center of attention. People have been kind. They’ve been supportive and complimentary. Many went out of their way to help. I’m unquestionably lucky to have so many truly wonderful people around me. We’re heading toward our last big event of the year, and I’ll be surrounded by other writers I enjoy being around, and who enjoy having to be social about as much as I do.

And.

I’m looking forward to moments of utter stillness and true silence come December.  No voices, no conversations, no need to parse social expectations and try to find the ‘right’ things to say. No need to deep breathe and second guess my role in the interaction. No imposter syndrome screaming for attention. I need to recharge so I can put my confidence mask back on and function among other humans once more. Because given my druthers, I’d quite happily be a hermit.

So if we meet, if we email, if we communicate in some way, please forgive my slowness to respond or the look of panic in my eyes when I don’t know whether or not to laugh. Or, maybe my mask will be in place and you’ll just find me insanely charming. It could happen…

 

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6 thoughts on “Recharge 

  1. Considering I’ve never found you anything but charming, I admire you for your courage. It takes guts to go out, especially when it’s the last thing you want to do. So if you’re ever in a crowded room, come find me and I’ll tell you stories. Most of them will center around stuff like giving new meaning to “ribbons and bows” when it comes to women, with a few bells thrown in. You’ll have no choice but to laugh, and start thinking about that books we’re going to write.

    Keep doing things that make you happy and grow, and most of all remember that there’s a lot of people like me who are rooting for you.

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    • It’s probably a good thing you only see me every several years. 😉
      I’ll send you a list of all the events I’m going to, so you can be my go-to storyteller. It worked well in Ptown!
      Let me know when you want to write about ways to kill people together. ❤️

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  2. Listen to Ali. I do. 🙂
    And by all means take care of yourself so you can continue to be the amazing, interesting, smart, and adorable woman you are! Hugs.

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  3. I always enjoy you’re insight regarding how introverts truly feel. And the pressure by others to be “normal” around a group. Thank you so much for being a voice, because there are so many who can relate, but may never have the courage to say anything. You are a wonderful give . Thank you!!!!!

    Like

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