I wasn’t expecting the call. And when the request to talk came, I thought it was probably because I’d done something wrong. When I got this good news, I know my response was decidedly subdued. I said thanks, asked a few questions, probably said something self-deprecating, and that was it.
And for several days, I thought about this news and simply felt wary. Not excited. But rather, more like debating whether to put my foot down in the swamp, not knowing if the ground was solid. And if I do, and it’s not, can I swim? Or will the swamp of defeatist expectations drown me?
So, obviously, I’ve been analysing this. As you do.
And I realised I don’t get hugely excited about anything to do with myself. I love celebrating other people’s victories, but mine, not so much. And what it comes down to is this: I don’t trust it, because I don’t think I deserve it.
My instinct is to wonder what the cost of this good news will be. Nothing is free, and so I wait for the other shoe to drop, expecting the strings and/or consequences to show up eventually. When something good happens, I expect to have to pay for it. Getting excited too soon means more disappointment when I step into the quicksand. And, there’s the district possibility the person who made the offer will rescind it when they’ve realised they were wrong about me after all. When they, too, realise I don’t deserve it.
When did this happen? When did I become so jaded and fearful? I’m not sure. All I know is that I need to work on fixing it, because I don’t want to go through the second half of my life not thinking I’m allowed to be excited about…life.
As I begin a week of writing, editing and word gathering in general, I’ll also be thinking about ways to grow.
Q: what are you working on right now?